Stages of Grief – Making sense of the emotional upheaval after the death of a loved one

My grandfather died last week.  I thought I was ready for it.  He was ill for over a decade.  He was 91 years old when he passed.  When you expect the phone call that tells you he’s passed any day, you don’t expect to really mourn them.

At least, I didn’t.  I didn’t expect to cry when I learned he had been moved to hospice care after being in and out of the hospital.  And I didn’t expect to cry as I waited for the next call, the one that said he’d taken his last breath and he was gone.  I didn’t expect a lot that happened after learning my grandfather died.

The Stages of Grief

Depending on who you ask, there are either SEVEN stages of grief or FIVE stages of grief.  Depending on the sources you look at, they vary in name and order as well.  Here are two examples I found:

Image via Wikipedia

Seven Stages of Grief

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection & Loneliness
5. Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction / Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Supposedly, each step is in order for every person, but I beg to differ.  Everyone deals with grief differently.  Everyone deals with life and death differently, and no two people are the same in how they perceive the world.  So applying this to everyone seems a bit ridiculous, in my opinion.

However, I have found that I have been moving through various stages of grief in my own order.

My Stages of Grief

1.  Shock - Yeah, I still felt a bit shocked to know that my grandfather had died.  I had no denial that he was gone, but I was in shock.  I had expected it for the last 20 years or so, but still, the news of his death still affected me more than I realized.  He had been horribly ill for months, and yet I was still shocked.

2.  Disappointment – I was disappointed that he died, because my mother was supposed to come and visit me. Now instead of getting a vacation with my mother in town, I was going out of town for a funeral.

3.  Guilt – I’m such a jerk because I selfishly felt disappointed that my grandfather died at such an inopportune moment.

4.  Anxiety & Panic – I have to get there. I have to book my ticket now.  I have to be there because they all need me. If I’m not there, I will not get closure.  If I don’t get there, my grandmother will be disappointed.  I have to be there. Why are the ticket prices so expensive?  Why are the ticket prices going up so damn fast?  Why won’t my internet run faster?! I want to throw my computer out of the window!  Why is this customer service guy on the phone being rude to me?

5.  Relief – I’m on the next flight.  I will be at the funeral.  Actually, everyone will make it. This is important to me.  I feel calm.

6.  Depression, Reflection – On the flight out, I was just out of it.  I was in my own world.  I wasn’t present, and I’m not even sure where my mind was the whole time.  I felt a little numb.

7.  Relief – I made it to my grandmother’s house, and it was nice to see my family.  I felt at peace in her home. I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

8.  Shock – Again, no denial, because there’s no denial where an open casket is concerned.  I held it together. No tears what-so-ever after my plane landed and I arrived at my grandmother’s house.  However, once I went to the viewing and saw my grandfather’s face, I fell apart.  I never saw anyone like that before EVER, and it was a shock to my system and made it more real for me.

9.  Denial - Denial came after the shock, actually.  I got really close to the casket and looked at my grandfather’s body.  My eyes must’ve been playing tricks on me, because it looked like his chest was moving up and down as if he were breathing.  I began to feel anxious, worrying that he would open his eyes and scare the shit out of me, or that I would hallucinate it in my stages of grief and look like a crazy fool.  This was when I left for a little while to pull myself together.

The Reaper is at the TOP of my Shit List. Seriously, dude. You SUCK!

10.  Avoidance – I stuck by my grandmother.  I couldn’t do anything else.  She had been with this man for so many years, and I was there for her.  I focused on her, avoiding my own emotions as much as possible.

11.  Depression, Reflection – Going through our grandfather’s things was therapeutic.  He lived such an amazing life.  It was awe inspiring what he lived through. He served as an officer during WWII.  He was friends with former presidents and actors.  He witnessed amazing historical events that occurred well before I was born…before my parents were born.  He lived most of his life before I was born.  It’s strange to think about it like that.

12.  Reconstruction, Working Through, Hope – When I get home, I’m spending as much time with my family as possible.  I’m going to do everything I can to live my life to the fullest.  I can’t just lie around stagnant, accepting mediocrity and cutting myself off.

13.  Depression, Reflection, Loneliness – I was with my family, but I wasn’t really present.  I was “out-of-it”, so to speak.  I’ve become terrified that the rest of my family will start dropping like flies.  Was that the last time I would see my grandmother? Is she going to die soon?  I couldn’t handle that!  What happens when it comes time to bury my parents? I don’t think I could handle my parents dying.  This sucks! Why is it like this? Why do we die? I friggin hate this!

14.  Anger, Pain & Guilt, with Depression – It’s a smorgesbourg of emotions. Seriously. I go back and forth.  I’m out of it, and I’m tired. I want to sleep, but I want to go back and see my grandmother. I feel horrible that I live on the other side of the country, and I wish I could do more for her.  I want to be with her for selfish reasons.  I want to be left alone.  I cry, and then I start yelling for stupid reasons, mostly at my poor kids.  I feel guilty because I didn’t spend more time with him, or with her – I should’ve visited more. I should’ve called more. I should’ve sent more letter and photos of the kids.  Why didn’t I treat them as important and vital in my life?  Why did I procrastinate?  This is where I am now, and I’m trying to work through it.

I don’t think it helps to go through the stages of grief when you already suffer from mood disorders such as depression, anxiety, and dysthymia, as I do.  Yesterday and today, my short temper was so severe, I double checked the calendar to make sure I wasn’t PMSing…I’m not.  That’ll be next week.  HOORAY!  *eye roll*

The Stages of Grief – Different for Everyone?

I may be over analyzing my stages of grief.  Maybe a lot of what I’m going through just fits in one category.  I never went through bargaining, though.  I know I can’t bargain my grandfather back, and I can’t bargain for people to live longer or live forever.  What I would like to bargain for is making the most of the time I have here.  At the moment, though, I am so stuck inside of my depression that it’s difficult to overcome that and move forward.

I’m also afraid.  If my mother dies, or my husband dies any time soon, if I reacted like this to my grandfather’s passing, would I just completely fall apart if they were to die any time soon?  I felt that pain while spending that time with my grandmother.  I moved from grieving for my grandfather to grieving for her husband.  I became anxious to get home to my husband, because life is short, and he is the love of my life!  Now I just find myself pulling away from my family, which isn’t a good thing, and not what I mean to do, but I can look at my behavior and see that it’s what I’m doing.

Question:  How have you handled the death of a family member, friend, or loved one?

Related articles

• My Stages of Grief (debbiesdesk.com)
• Preparing for Grief (everydayhealth.com)
• Grieving the Loss of a Loved One (barbarasinclair.com)