Guilty Sorrows

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You often hear of people talking about their guilty pleasures:  a brain rotting reality show, a sugary breakfast on a Saturday morning, fast food indulgences once a week, the fancy coffee from Starbucks each morning…

What about Guilty Sorrows?

What do I mean by “Guilty Sorrows”?  Well, aside from the guilty pleasures (which some would call sorrows, depending on how guilty they feel afterward), it’s the things we do that aren’t pleasurable and affect us now and later.  This is something that someone with depression will be able to relate to – the endless cycle of guilt and depression.

1. Depression strikes, for whatever reason.
2. Energy is depleted, and important things aren’t done.
3. Guilt is felt over things not being accomplish, leading to more depression.
4. Guilt is felt over being depressed in the first place. After all “What do I have to be depressed about?”
5. More depression felt, even less is accomplished.  Maybe work suffers.  All you have the energy to do is sulk.
6. More depression because work suffers.  Energy depleted further.
7. Housework isn’t attended to.  Guilt strikes over a messy house.  Depression deepens.
8. “Why am I so broken?” – deepening sorrow and depression over being so depressed that nothing gets done.  Sitting and sulking is all you do.
9. Indulgent pleasures (addictions) arise – sugary foods, caffeine, sitting around watching TV all day long, playing games online, whatever takes the mind off of the depression and adds chemicals to the body for a temporary relief or distraction.
10. Sedentary lifestyle and bad eating habits deepen depression.
11. Less energy to spend time with the family.  More guilt. More depression.

Do you see where I’m going here?  A depressed person doesn’t just feel down and out. It’s not all “woe is me”, but more of “I am so broken that my life is falling apart around me, and I don’t have the willpower to do anything but sulk in the fact that I’m depressed and my life is falling around me…”

It’s like a carousel from hell!

I experienced such a feeling this morning.  Yesterday, depression struck me hard, and it was difficult to accomplish anything.  This morning, I felt the ramifications of that – searing guilt because:

• I never went to the bank. I completely forgot that I was supposed to do that.
• I didn’t work on my sourdough starter, and it may now be ruined.
• I forgot to take my allergy medicine, so I felt sick when I woke up.
• The kitchen was a mess.
• I never called to get an appointment for an oil change in the car.
• I can’t bake the bread today like I was supposed to because: a. I didn’t take care of the starter last night and b. I didn’t get to the store to buy more flour and bread pans.

So, more depression came, which resulted in.

• Me not working today.
• Me taking a nap this morning (although part of that was due to bad sleep last night as one of my kids kept waking up)
• No chores being done until after dinner.
• I sat on my ass while the kids were napping and watched TV instead of working or doing something useful because I just didn’t have any motivation.

GUILT GUILT GUILT!

And around and around we go.  And right now, there is sugary goodness calling to me from my kitchen in the form of cool whip and frosting.  It’s hard to resist.  I feel like a heroin addict or something.  “Just this once, because I’m having a bad day.”  I crave a mocha too, and I’m seriously considering an indulgence this weekend.  Bad bad bad.  It’s such a good thing that I’ve never once tried illegal drugs before, and even better that alcohol makes me feel so terrible that I have no desire to drink it.  I seriously think that my depression leads to an addictive personality.

Not all people with mental health issues have addiction problems, but mine does…or maybe they are separate, I don’t know.

Whatever.  At least I wrote my article today and did the dishes.  The sourdough starter was taken care of this morning, and hopefully it isn’t ruined.  I’ll go to the bank when I can, and I took care of my sick kids today even though it was really hard to get myself going this morning.  I guess I did what I could, and maybe it’s enough, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.

Why do I keep thinking I have to be perfect?

Related articles

• Dealing With Depression: 9 Ways To Support Someone With Depression (PHOTOS) (huffingtonpost.com)
• Dear Wendy: “I’m Depressed, So I Want To Cheat On My Wife” (thefrisky.com)
• When Sadness Is a Good Thing (time.com)